So that questionnaire reminded me of a game I came up with one day in Halo 3, with the help of a broken controller. I was in need of an excessively mindless sort of video game, and Assassin’s Creed was not cutting it.
It is called “Where’s Wash?” and although it requires two controllers and technically two players, it is a game to be played only by lonely people who are alone and lonely.
Here is what you do:
1. Create two player profile things, one for Wash, and one for you. Customize the armor for Wash. I usually play as York and customize his armor accordingly.
2. Go to a map of your choice. Tell the game you’re playing Slayer, but don’t worry — this is a complete lie. (I guess you could play a different thing but Slayer is just the first one that comes up I think. My xbox has been broken for months now, give me a break.) I’ve only ever played this in Valhalla, but whatevz.
3. Now your two player characters are chillin’ at their bases, right? So now you must set up your Wash controller! You want the left control stick to tip forward very very slightly so that Wash will step extremely slowly and creepily forward. This can be achieved with a bit of scotch tape, or you could just buy a shitty controller like me! Move the…like, the viewpoint control stick thing? Move that either ALL THE WAY UP or ALL THE WAY DOWN so that you can either see only ground (and Wash’s feet) or only sky. You do not want to be able to ascertain his location.
4. If he hasn’t already stepped into that throwy-thingy (grav-lift? I don’t even know), just let Wash loose on some nice, fairly unobstructed ground. Look away for a bit, let him wander off.
5. After you feel he’s sufficiently lost, go and try to find him! Once you find him you can kill him and start over, or if you’re not a cold-hearted bastard like me, you can just move him someplace else and let him wander away again.
Or sometimes I just make him get in the Warthog and then York and Wash do flips and shit, I dunno.
THAT’S IT. Like I said, it’s thrilling.
- Wash may get stuck in a corner. You can either free him, or see how long it takes you to figure out which corner. Because there are a lot of fucking corners. In Valhalla anyway.
- When Wash does his slow-and-creepy walk through the water, it is somewhat alarming, because you will hear the steady splash…splash…splash… of his slow but relentless approach. Do not be alarmed. Remember, you are the only one playing this game.
Because you’re really, really lonely.